I was asked why do I write things here and put them up here so that everyone can sift through them. I was asked am I not afraid that someone is going to see this and I am going to be embarrassed? There is no short answer...ok well yes there is...and that is no not really...but the long answer is much more interesting.
I debated doing a blog for a long time. I have always like to write...albeit on my terms. To me it's like painting...each keystroke, each movement of the pen is like a brush across the canvas. Sometimes it is is great, sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it is something amazing that touches people in ways you could never imagine. I learned a long time ago that not everyone is going to like everything you do or you say. Years ago when I started doing art I was invited to participate in a group show in a local small gallery in Dallas along with four others. I submitted an eight foot woodland abstract done in charcoals, pencil portraits that blended grays, black, white, colors, sucking you in swearing parts might be a photograph, and series of small wood sculptures. It went really well, I sold a couple of pieces and got really great reviews. The next show I was invited to I was cocky now and didn't really try, lets just say this one didn't go well lets just say it was a disaster. This really upset me...ok, let's be very frank here...it pissed me off. My ego was bruised...oh yeah..by the way I have something of an ego sometimes. So I spent a few weeks...for a lack of a better word we'll say...pouting. So the annual invitational student show at the college campus is coming up...I am invited so I poured every ounce of my anger and frustration into on piece, a wood sculpture. I spent hours pouring over the wood, using a wooden mallet and chisels only. I sanded every inch by hand, staining it until I thought I would never get the color off my hands. I polished it to a high gloss...all by hand. The time to show it comes up I chose a podium in the middle of the show that rotated and I displayed the object of my heart. It got very mixed reviews, some people hated it, many loved it, a few were even offended by it. What was this piece? An almost three foot tall finger! I loved it...it was then that I realised unless you put your heart into it the what you create is truly sub par. True some people will like it but will YOU truly be satisfied with it?
I have been asked how do I write, how do I draw, how do I create? What is my process? I know many writers have certain way of doing things. Writers in many ways are more superstitious than baseball players. Certain rituals are done...having the desk face a specific direction...writing only on certain typewriters or kinds of computers...writing outlines, writing draft, after draft, after draft, starting in the middle and working backwards and forwards to the beginning and end at the same time. None of these ways are wrong and none are necessarily right. What I find is to do what fits for you..."borrow" this method or that mesh it with something else, throw it all out, come up with your own...whatever works. I mull my piece over in my head for hours or days before I put it down on paper. Running it over and over in the back of my brains in a very multi tasking schizoid way I've been told..hahah...I do this until I throw it up in a very Pollock-ian (is that a word...hmmm...it is now) way. Just throw it up there with total abandon. I read what I put then to see if I like it or not...if I do...done...if not...gone..poof! It's what matters to you that counts. The same goes for life...do what you will...do it with abandon, throwing yourself into it with every piece of who you are and how your heart feels. Who cares if others don't like it. If you like it then that is what matters . Always.
Many times in this society we look to others for praise, acceptance, and validation of who we are. I remember growing up and leaving church as a child and asking "was I good?". The answer I received from my parents was the end all be all. As I grew I received good advice from my parents that I remember to this day, " before you do something, think this to yourself 'how will you feel if you do this?' ". I of course did not always listen to them or do this...what child or teenager does? But as I grew and truly discovered who I was I took it to heart. You have to look inside you to see how you feel about it. There are too many people in today's society that sit there and try to make themselves feel like something by making others give them praise and attention for everything that they do, every illicit act, sex tape and binge. How many Paris Hiltons, Kardashians, Lohans, or Sheens are out there? How many programs like TMZ or Dr.Phil, or Oprah out there are force feeding us the pablum of what celebrity is doing what or who, who is balling there itty bitty fists and crying out "look at me look at me look at me!"? There are more and more instances like this and less and less instances of people doing what they believe is right for themselves. Now I know that people will argue with this and that is fine, I want them to. Think about this how many shows on TV are obsessed with addiction, teen moms, getting drunk, partying, or are reality shows. 30 years ago a reality show was unheard of ...TV writers actually had to write shows, to create, to actually craft something from the ether. There are less and less of these, even movies more often than not are remakes or "reboots" of previous stories and movies. Our society is saturated with this. You can turn on the media delivery device of your choice, TV, phone, laptop, desktop, gaming device, iPod...and be bombarded by this. Kids see this everywhere they turn. Could this be one of the reasons that rates of drinking, drug use, violent crime, and pregnancies in teens has gotten lower and lower in age and higher and higher in amounts? I don't know. But when you have a society that is constantly pushing less and less originality and more and more conformity maybe. Try and look at it this way ...when you were 13 year old you of course listened to what you friends said, you tried to do what they did, watch what they watched, listen to same music they listened to...now if you are a 13 year old and all you see is that if you don't think, do drugs, get in fights, get knocked up are on TV what do you think is going to happen?
Basically it comes down to you. You have to look into your own soul, self, person, whatever you want to call it and find that spark. You have to be the one who is going to be original. you have to be that person, that still small voice who is going to cry out and stand out from the crowd. You have to be the one to say " I am going to do this, this is mine, like it or don't! I don't care!" You have to say that you refuse to be force fed, I am not going to be this round peg, I am going to stand out, you have to say. It is up to each and everyone of us to show that there is originality in all of us, and to pass that down to those that come after. Who knows you may just inspire the next DaVinci? Or you can do nothing and let them be the next Paris Hilton or whatever media whore is the flavor of the month then.
So that's the answer...you don't have to be unafraid. Fear can be a good thing. You just have to do it. There will be people who love it, people who hate it, people who look at it and shrug their shoulders, but you will know inside yourself that you did it, and you put your heart into it and it , for you, was good.
Don't go through life wondering "what if?". Go through life saying "I did it!".
