Hello again

So I have not posted her for years but maybe its time to change this. A lot has happened to me over the years, things happy and sad. Soaring to peaks or wonderment and happiness. Plummeting to the absolute depths of the abyss of saddness. Some major surprises and heartbreaking losses. Some extremly close shaves with the Grim Reaper and some moments to love life again. All through the loud moments, crawling my way through to the small quiet times. All in all making my way through this thing,Life.

The perils of ADHD

Let us talk of apples and strings, squirrels and shiny things.....
constantly buzz, buzz, buzz, buzzing....always swirling
things don't stand still ...how can they when my mind is twirling....................breath

living life going 100 miles per second....thrumming, humming ....never stopping
most people see you as disorganized, lazy, unmanageable...the bad seed, bad boy, bad bad boy... like some broken toy!
life is like a toy but it plays with you...spinning you this way, twirling you that, like you are on some giant fucking Spirograph!!
Spirals in, spirals out, Spirals up, Spirals down...out of control...downdowndown
to get you down they have to speed you up, the speed slows your thoughts to molasses...but you're good now ..............................right? right?!?
so maNY uPs AnD DOWns thAT it FeELs Like we went DOOOOOOOOOOWN the WronG Rabbit Hooooole...rabbits...sometimes you felt that rabbiting was the trick...run run run rabbit run...but we all know rabbits aren't the trick...tricks are for kids and you're no damn kid anymore.
For some this goes away...they get to be normal...who is to say what is normal...maybe normal is just numb....I don't get to be numb, I get to feel..not just feeling here and there but I get to feel EVERYTHING. Every little tiny movement, every tingling, every little scritch scratch of the tiny monster within.............
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                                                        ...................and he wants out, tired of being held in because polite people don't behave the way he does. All your life being told be polite, be nice, treat all well, remember the golden rule.......then you get out in the real world and you learn where polite gets you, what being nice and treating everyone well does. Screw the golden rule...the only rule about gold that matters is that if you gots gold you gots no rules. THIS is what the monster learns, but he doesn't get to come out and play so we just smile and go on.
So maybe now it's time to let the monster out, time to stop holding back, time to QUIT. BEING. NICE.

Measure by Measure

What is truly the measure of a man?
Can it truly be quantified?
 Is it how much money you make?
Money CAN buy happiness, but can it fulfill you?
Is it how many possessions you have?
Should we live by the motto "He who dies with the most toys wins?"
I think there is another answer....
Maybe it's how you touch other people's lives.
 For better or for worse every person you meet, will affect you.
 Some people will be happy to have known you and will feel empty when you leave.
 Some will hate you and for many they will also have an emptiness of a different sort
 Some of the relationships will go on forever and become an key part of your life.
 Others come and go like a whisper on the breeze, and yet they are just as important.
 So to each and everyone of the people that I have touched and have touched my life, for better or for worse I thank you.

Wait

Warm breezes blowing, carrying the smell of honeysuckle
Can you feel the sun on your face, the grass between your toes as we run?
"Don't leave me behind", you said as you reached your hand out.
"Always and forever, I'm right here", as I grabbed your hand.

Wind blowing through your hair, the smell of summer in your nose
Do you hear the whir of the chain, and the spinning wheels of our bikes as we race to stay young?
"Wait for me", you say, as you look at me.
"I'm here at your side, always and forever", as I ride next to you.

Cooler breezes blow, you can smell the leaves as they fall and gather on the ground.
Can you see the reds, yellows, oranges, and browns, as we walk, leaving things of childhood behind?
"Stay here with me", as you lock your arm in mine.
"Always and forever, at your side" as I pull you close.

Cold winds swirl around us as you catch snowflakes on your tongue.
Do you smell the crisp bitter air as we feel life creeping up chasing, childish things away?
"Stay close to me", you plead tears in your eyes.
"I am one with you, always and forever" as I dry your eyes.

Warm air flows past as you drive looking for that last thing to make it all right.
Can you feel the light inside you dying just a little more?
"Stay close to me, I need you now more than ever" as you look into my eyes.
"Always and forever, I am here at your side" I promise

Stale hot air surrounds you as I carry you, fevered and scared.
Do you hear your breath as it catches, as the pain sets in once again.
"Stay here with me", as you weakly grasp my hand
"Close your eyes, rest my dear, always and forever I'm here" as I hold your hand in mine

Cooler air brushes you, the once long beautiful hair falls, like the leaves of our youth.
Can you see the white of the room, the sheets, and life as it is sucked clean.
"Wait just a little longer", as you look for me.
"Always and forever, I'll wait for as long as it takes", Whispering into your ear, wondering if you can hear me at all

Cold stale air blows, swirling around, but the snow is gone forever.
Can you smell the antiseptic, hear the music the machines make as they beep, wheeze, and gasp
"Don't leave me behind" I say
"Wait for me " I beg
"Stay here with me" I cry
"Stay close to me", I whisper
"Wait for me" ...as the tears roll down my face
"Don't leave me behind".........................
But you're already gone.

Brave ain't what you thought, and Freedom ain't free

"the home of the brave?"
What does it mean to be the Free and the Brave these days?
Is it Brave to be that person anonymously attacking over the internet?
Is it Brave to stand back while you criticise those that helped, while you stood by and did nothing?
Is it Brave to force your beliefs on me just because I don't fit in that cookie cutter box you feel comfort with?
Sure. It's Brave.
Know what else is Brave?
I'm that person you attacked because I spoke out against what I felt was wrong...that's Brave
I'm that person who jumped in to help others weaker than me....that's Brave
I'm that person you persecuted because I wanted to have a life that made me happy, loved, and comfortable, but it didn't fit in with the norm. That. Is. Brave

Who do you think you are to judge me.....

"the land of the free"...
To be Free you have to pay...freedom ain't free boy...
You always hear that...and it's not wrong......
To be Free you have to pay!
And I do pay...each...and ....every....day.
I listen to you spew hate, racism, disrespect, and vitriol.
You do these things because you ARE Free.
But I am Free too.
I am Free to love who I want,
I am Free to say what I want,
I am Free to be what I want
I am Free to do what I want.
You paid for this ability to be Free, I paid for this choice to be Free.

Who am I?
I am you, I am me.
I am each and every person on this world.

What does it mean to be the Free and the Brave?
It mean be Free to be who you are, and be Brave in knowing being different does not mean being alone................................

Depths of kindness; Peaks of cruelty

Sometimes I find it hard in this life to do the right thing.
That is not always a bad thing. There is not one person alive or dead that
finds they do the right thing everyday. People are made to make mistakes, it is
in our nature to learn, to stumble, to look back and say “What the hell?!!?” I love how some people comment to me how I need to let go and pray on it, how Jesus was faultless and never wavered. But the thing is that is not true look at Matthew 26:39 “He went on a little farther and bowed his face to the ground,
praying. ‘My Father if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away
from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine’.”
Sometimes mistakes are what make us stronger…I find that
stumbling is something that is truly needed. If you need a cliché about it…look
at steel…if you take a piece of steel it can be easily broken and is not very
sturdy…however what really strengthens it is folding and forging. As the steel
is heated and folded and forged it becomes stronger and stronger making it
almost unbreakable. I think of life like this sometimes…I screw up, I get hurt
and I move on…each experience forging me into something new and able to
withstand more without breaking.
But this is a fine line too…I find myself becoming harder
and colder sometimes. There have been times in my life that I have done this so
cruel and despicable that I honestly can’t believe it was me that did these
things. It is almost as if I would be standing outside of myself looking on and
being amazed that I was capable of that. We are the only animal on this planet
that commits acts of cruelty simple for cruelty’s sake. Throughout history man
has attacked, subjugated, killed, or committed all sorts of atrocities against
another for no reason other than they don’t like them. If an animal…say a
dog…attacks another it is for a reason: pack hierarchy, food, territory,
mating, etc…man does it just because. I find myself more and more becoming
disgusted with the human race. It’s everywhere…you read it in history; you see
it on the news….hell you see it just driving down the road. It just seems that
mankind in general is on this long, looping downward spiral. We have more and
more stories about how we coming up with more and more ways of expanding on the
oldest profession we seem to have…cruelty. I have argued- this before with
people and have been told I read much too much into it. But if you look at it,
at its basest parts, cruelty is big business for man. How many shows do you see
that are “reality” shows that poke into people abusing someone or something, or
man at his worst. How many “game shows” are out there like Big Brother or
Survivor that encourage, no actually almost requires you, to backstab, betray,
lie, cheat, and do things you would not do in real life to succeed. And to what
end? A few dollars, some cheap thrills, your 15 minutes of fame?
“Oh David, this is just a phenomenon of the new millennia”….actually no its not. We have always been like this. Think about it.
Aztecs played a game that was literally life and death as the team who lost was sacrificed.
Romans had the Games…games where starved, unarmed slaves were put in a pit with starved and vicious predators just to see how long they would last. “Oh well those were barbaric times, we are past that now.” No we aren’t.
We have role models...and I use that term very loosely…getting busted for
pitting animals against each other in death matches for money…yes Michael V. I
am talking about you. Hell, go to any school, elementary, middle or high school, and watch one person attack another for some small slight and see how fast a ring of people form, cheering them on and adding fuel to that fire. Haven’t we come long way? Will they look back a few centuries from now and say “Yeah but those were barbaric times”, just like we do to our past? Where do we find that this ends?

I know that more and more we, as a collective, try and
expound how we are capable of great things to. And yes this is true. We are
also the only species that creates works like the Sistine Chapel, Beethoven’s
symphonies, “A Tale of Two Cities”, and other masterpieces. It just seems to me
that more and more the dark side of man’s psyche is evident. We do have a
duality, we have capability to love and to hate, or help and to harm. However
most people ease into the latter instead of the former simply because it is
easier to hate than to love.
All I can say is even though on one hand we are capable of great cruelty, we are also
capable of great love….I want to be a better person than I am now, but I don’t
regret the person I was. Good, bad, or otherwise I learn from each and every
one of these experiences…it a true fact of the cosmos we can’t have light
without dark…this is truly the duality of man. It has become a known fact that,
as sad as it may be, we can not truly know the how far we can forgive without
experiencing the true depths of cruelty.

Saying "I do" shouldn't be that big of a deal

Ok so I'm confused? I have gay friends and they don't "gay vote", "gay pay taxes" or "gay serve in the military". But they do vote, pay taxes, and serve in the military...why should marriage be that big of a deal?

I just find it ridiculous that people think this will destroy our country...last I heard our country was founded on the beliefs that everyone was created equal and that this country would accept everyone with open arms. I find that the government telling people, what basically comes down to what most societies regard as a religious ceremony, they can't do that is against what we as Americans were created as and believe in.

Being gay is about as new to this world as being black, white, Asian, or any other race is. I am not gay, I am married, i vote, I pay taxes, and I stand on the firm belief marriage should be for everyone. Marriage is not about a man and a woman...MARRIAGE IS ABOUT LOVE AND RESPECT. People just need to get over their fear and bigotry. Hating someone who happens to love someone of the same sex is the same as hating someone for the color of their skin...both are genetics. People who say being gay or straight is a choice are just foolish. Why would someone choose to be reviled, discriminated against, and denied the same rights as everyone else. Anyone who singles out someone who is gay is no better than the same type of individual who puts on a white sheet and hood and burns crosses. Our country is based on equal right, acceptance , and freedom from religious leaders telling us as a country what we can and can not do. We have gotten away from this when we have elected officials quoting scripture and saying "god" is against this happening...we are traversing a very slippery slope and are in danger of losing ourselves. America it is time to remember what this country is about, and it is time to remember that discrimination of any type is bigotry pure and simple.