Ok so last night was a rough one. Grayson had a really hard time last night, it is part of the whole cycle. He has some days where it seems like nothing in the world is wrong, but there are other days where for one reason or another things seem to take that deep, dark spiral down. I feel bad for him when this happens. He gets upset so this exacerbates his behaviors, which in turn frustrates him, which then make his tics worse, which then makes him angry that he can't stop, and so on and so on. It can really turn into a trip down a long scary hole some nights for him. Sometimes it seems like the smallest thing sets him off, things you and I may take for granted can be the whole world to him at times like this. It's tough on Shauna and I too, we try to handle it as well as we can, it runs you through the whole gambit of emotions...anger, frustration, sadness, fear..etc. As a parent you find yourself sometimes saying to yourself "Is this my fault?". You know it's not anything you did, but those of you that have children know that as a parent you sometimes feel to blame. I am not by any means perfect, some days I handle things better than others, and after nights like this one I always feel like I am looking at myself saying "What could you have done to handle that better?"
I will always know there is room to improve, there is always room for mistakes, but I have to remember no matter what I am there for him and that if I didn't love my son with all my heart I wouldn't be here would I? That's what love is. Love is not always puffy clouds and rainbows. Love is the storms too, love is knowing you will make those mistakes but there is someone there who will help you pick up and dust off.
I have had people ask me do you regret having Grayson since he has all those problems. I kind of look at them wondering if I actually heard this right. I would never regret having him, I feel bad sometimes for him that he has all these problems, but never once no matter how bad it gets, or how upset I get, would I ever wish I hadn't been down this road. Until you have a child, you just can not understand the depths you would go to.
Well said. I sometimes think only a parent can fully understand all of the emotion that is involved.
ReplyDeleteWhen my baby girl was yet to be born, the doctor wanted us to go in for some tests to check for possible (Dr.'s words) "difficulties, while there is still time to do something about it if something is wrong." I told my wife in front of the doctor that no matter what, this was my child, and there was nothing "to be done" no matter what may come.
I do not think anyone who has a child could ask you the type of question you speak of here.
Hold your head up high bro, you are doing it right.