A Death 20 years in the making

Throughout our life we meet people, some people are are good, some people are bad...no matter what they affect us. I met someone over 20 years ago and he became a very close friend. Every night we drove into the DFW area where we knew someone who had bought some old storefront spaces and converted it into a punk bar..Three bucks and B.Y.O.B and we had a blast and once the cops realised we weren't going to tear things up they left us alone. The bands would play..Lickity Split, Cro-mags, Toadies. We spent more time moshing up and down the floor, round and round, whirling fists, leather jackets, spikes, but no one got hurt..very few times did fights break out and they were settled quickly and the fun started up again. And I was usually in the middle of it I was little for my age but I had a knack for picking a fight..I won more that I lost. But that is not this story......during all of this there was a great guy who was a close friend he pulled my butt out of the fire more often than not and saved me from making bad mistakes. We freaking did everything together. He got married and had a great kid ..problem was he was an addict..Tony and I partied alllll the time..I got him started. Problem with that I eventually got myself pulled together..I moved away, saw him only here and there over the next 20 years, he lost everything, job, family, son barely knows who he was. Little over a year I got a call from him telling me he was sorry, and that was the last I heard for a couple of days. I got a letter later, this was the last I would hear from him. Tony violated his parole and was going to be a third strike, he chose to not go back in. By the time I got the letter Tony was dead, he decided that an OD'd do it..I just hope it was painless. I remember him to this day, he grew up around hunters, he knew guns in and out, but never used them to do bad things, he drew like no one I ever knew. He drew his wife the most gorgeous portrait in Black and white that looked like it could step off the page and dance, he had a wicked sense of humor...I actually saw him get a nun to laugh until she had tears running down her face once. I saw him give a vagrant who was covered with newspapers his flannel shirt and tshirt under that and slip the guy a 20.00. I also saw him after weeks of shooting up, shaking, vomiting, delusional and begging for a hit. ..eventually I had to get away from it for my health and sanity. And he never forgot that in his letter he left he reminded me how it was my fault...I ruined him...and I left him when I had enough...I got my life together and he was left in the void...he hated me, he disowned me, said my name would never cross his lips ever again.
They didn't, he was dead hours after that. I blamed myself, I cried, I hurt, I felt worthless, this was over a year ago...it still hurts, you feel the regret. That little voice...could I have done more? could I have tried harder? maybe I could have but nothing would have changed, he would still be dead and I would still miss him horribly.
I am reminded of this quote "Accept life, and you must accept regret."-Henri Frederic Amiel.
So I accept this life and I accept the regret, the tears, the pain...and I learn.
I miss you Tony and I am sorry for you, I hope it is better now.